TIGER LILITH
Oh Camphor, you magical creature.
You were the linchpin of the Vicks Vapor Rub™® that my mother would slather on us when I was a kid. Sometimes she would put too much, and my eyes would sting, but that's okay Camphor. I could breathe.
You were the catalyst of the Tiger Balm™® that soothed the muscles in my aching neck. You helped me every single day for years after the injury. Thank you Camphor. Remember that time that I saw you in Icy Hot™® right before we played the Indians in the playoffs? Yea? Remember? I had pulled my groin the week before against Cambridge so I put you all over and....yeah, you remember. That was a painful loss wasn't it Camphor?!
:laughs:
:looks thoughtfully off into the distance:
(holds until it doesn't feel cool anymore)
:gets serious:
I love you Camphor. It may sound odd, but I think everyone should have you tucked away in a cabinet.
Camphor...do you think we can give it another shot? Except this time, without petroleum. I don't know why we ever rolled with petroleum! We were so crazy back then!
...
...you don't agree? Yea, maybe you're right, maybe we weren't crazy, maybe we just didn't know. Is there a difference? I guess as long we kick the petrol it doesn't matter. You're so smart Camphor.
I'm so glad we're reunited! I don't wanna get too far ahead of ourselves, but I wanna talk about names.......can we name it...Tiger John?
...
Because, I think it's funny and clever, I guess. I know what you're thinking and no, it's not copyright infringement, I think its maybe like parody or something because it's possibly...art? I guess? And besides, I'd gladly brave wave after wave of icy litigation defending a name like Tiger John with you at my side in the courtroom, helping me calm my escalating breathe as I regret not filing as an LLC while whilst we wait for the judge to enter.
So, yea, Tiger John. Yea...and he'll be all like, I'm John, and I'm a tiger. Well he won't say "I'm a tiger" he'll just say "I'm John" and he'll just be a tiger....
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I know what you're thinking and it's only a man's name because it rhymes! That's the clever bit.
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Of course my dear, of course...Of course I'll entertain the possibility of a different name...but to be honest it's going to be hard for me because I'm pretty dead set on Tiger John and I don't want to sacrifice the artistic integrity of my parody piece-oh WHY do you always interrupt me with those steely glares! I've hardly been able to get a word in edgewise all night!
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FINE! WE CAN CHANGE IT!
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Well of course I'm crying, you know the effect you have on my eyes! It's just that... it's not... I'm not shedding tears over losing the hilarious and brilliant name Tiger John, although when I tell people that we changed it, I'm sure some will openly weep.
...
Yea I may have already told a bunch of people that was the name, I figured it was fine to tell people because I thought you'd definitely agree with the name because of like, just how perfect and awesome it is but I'm sure the new name will be, like, perfecter or fine or whatever and it's fine, its totally fine. I'll just tell everyone we're changing it, it's fine...and I, like, may have ordered some custom Tiger John stuff or whatever, but it's fine, money isn't important.
...
Although, I thought, well when I thought we were gonna name it Tiger John, I called Clove and some of the boys, and told them we were getting the band back together, and I told them about the name, of course, and they got all excited and we all agreed the name was obviously incredible, and they were all like "yea man let's do it without petroleum, and lets absolutely name it Tiger John, or we'll all collectively be devastated and heartbroken"
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You know, maybe we should just stick with the name Tiger John, I love the name, you love the name, I mean I could tell that you love the name, when I said it you kinda had no reaction but I could tell that you were just being your stoic self and that inside you were probably overjoyed. I mean I don't blame you, who wouldn't be, a name like that? But I mean, if you want, I'm fine with changing the name, we might avoid taking too much flak from the media because no one's ever heard of us or has any idea what I'm talking about...I don't care what we call it personally, you know? I just worry about Clove and the others, they just got so attached to the name, I can't even fathom how collectively devastated and heartbroken they'll be....who wouldn't be, losing a name like Tiger John? Can you imagine? Names like that don't come around every day, that's for sure. That's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Maybe it's not worth it, you know? To just up and change a name like that?
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You do realize I have no choice but to interpret your silence as a testament that you have seen the light, and that you wish to wholeheartedly embrace Tiger John as your one true savior? Wait, have I always had this British accent? Nevermind that. So we're in agreement? Tiger John it is.
"No"
Oh so you can speak
"No, I can't speak, I'm an oil distilled from the bark of the Camphor tree."
Well, if you can't speak then how are you speaking?!
"I'm not, I'm afraid you've gone mad."
...
What's that?
"Agent Dennis...I'm afraid you've gone crazy."
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What are you even talking about?! My name isnt Agent Dennis?!
"I know. That's all part of it."
Part of what?
"Part of you going crazy."
Well if loving you is crazy then I don't wanna be sane, Camphor.
Let's make hats!